Old Gregg and the Pirate
by proudheartcat
Summary: Whilst sailing on his dingy, Jack Sparrow decides to partake in a spot of fishing but catches more than he bargained for. If your unfamiliar with The Boosh you can see the scene I parodied on youtube under old gregg.


**Disclaimer-I Own Nothing Jack Sparrow belongs to Disney and Old Gregg to the BBC**

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Once again our dear captain found himself without his precious pearl and resigned to sail ocean in a rather small and rather leaky dingy. Ah well, at least this time he found the dingy came with some fishing tackle and cooking equipment. He had enough rum to keep him going a few more weeks and stash of coconuts, so he reasoned he would be able to catch up with his ship soon enough as he would not have to make port for supplies anytime soon.

Funnily enough living most his life as sea, Jack had never actually tried fishing himself, but he was Captain Jack Sparrow, how hard could it be? He reached into the bait box and brought out a fat maggot, he looked at it curiously before tossing the wriggling grub into his mouth. Chewing and nodding his head from side to side he thought "well at least I can survive off these for a bit if I don't catch a fishy." He hooked another to the end of the fishing line and expertly cast it over the boat. Feeling very smug he looked around grinning. His smile dropped when realising he was on his own with no one witnessed his moment of brilliance.

Jack soon discovered that fishing was incredibly boring. "People to this for funzies" he though "and they say I'm barmy!"

The sun had disappeared by now and full moon was high in the sky. Jack had stared to doze off, having feasted on more maggots and drowning the taste with rum. Suddenly he felt shudder and saw the line go taut. Excitedly he grabbed the rod and begun reeling in the line. He felt the line tug, he pulled it back, it tugged harder, and he pulled it back again. Then the line tugged back with such force it almost pulled jack over board. "Rite Fishy" he said, "Yer don't know who your dealin' with!" He pulled himself up, righted his hat and tugged with all his might while reeling in the line. But it would not budge. But it did not tug back either. Instead the line went loose. "Oh bugger" Jack thought. "There goes din-dins. Guess its just you and me lads!" He said looking down and the box of wriggling maggots. He grimaced at the thought of living off grubs for the foreseeable future. Suddenly the line went taut again and Jack only just managed to regain his grip on the rod before it was pulled from his grasp. "Haha, Gotcha fishy! Capns' not letting you get away his time!" he exclaimed "thought you could trick old Jack did yer!" This will be an almighty fish he thought happily. "Looks like some of you may make it through this!" He said the the box of maggots. Suddenly an almighty force pulled on the line, but Jack determined would not let got it pulled again with such force that Jack lost his footing and before he knew it he was pulled into the water. "Right fishy, now yer in for it!" He seethed pulling out his dagger, the other hand still holding the rod. He dove under the water in search for the monster fish still stuck to the end of his line. Through the dark water lit by the moon he could make out a form ahead of him but it did not look like a fish. To his horror it turned to face him and lifted up its…tutu? Jack yelled swallowing a lungful of water as the light emitting from that… whatever it was blinded him and then all went black.

Strange dreamlike, horrible images flashed through Jacks mind. He was being pulled down and something was pressing its mouth again his, filling his lungs with air. He finally emerged from the water, spluttering and felt himself being dragged along the ground, he tried to move but found himself unable to. It was if that strange light had paralyzed him, it took all his efforts to rind his memory of what he had seen. When he finally managed to his mind went blank again.

* * *

After time Jack regained consciousness. He opened his eyes and blinking found he was it a cave, filled with some most peculiar things. It was then that his memory came rushing back. Closing his eyes thought quickly, "whatever was on the end of me line was defiantly no fishy. A mermaid perhaps, no that thing, that horrible…" He shuddered. Whatever it was had brought him to this place. He tried to move but found his arms tied above his head. He realized he was lying on a bed. He looked down the bed and gasped. At the end of the bed a… what was it, a man ? A fish? Definitely not a mermaid. His eyes were fixed on Jack, smiling serenely back at him. He had a man's face, was scaly and green with big red lips. What looked like seaweed hang around his face like hair.

"Did ya have good dreams?" He asked in an odd croaky voice grinning.

"Uh wha…where am I?"

"Gregg's Place"

Jack digested this. "So your…Gregg?" He asked

"Yes sir, I'm Ol'Gregg, Ol'Gregory sir, this is my home. Do you like it?"

Jack looked around taking in his strange surroundings. It was damp and dark and reeked of rotten fish. Nets hung from the walls of the cave filled with all manner of things. Was that a human skeleton he saw in one? Ship parts and junk items were strew about the place. "It's uh, charming!" Jack replied.

"That's good, thank you sir I'm glad you like it. You'll be very comfortable here. I got all things that are good. I got this." He said pulling up a bit of rope with a bucket tied to the end.

"Great!" said Jack trying to be complimentary.

"You can have it." He laid it across Jacks legs.

"Um.. cheers" said Jack, so bewildered by this creature's strangeness he didn't know what else to say or do. What he did know is he had to get out of here and fast.

Before he could say anything Gregg spoke again.

"I'm going to hurt you."

"Er..what was that?" replied Jack unsure of what he just heard.

"I like you. What to you think of me?"

"Huh" Jack replied snapped out his thoughts "Well we've only just met Gregg." He smiled nervously, then thinking, "But yer seem like a very fine chap, 'haps ye'd be good enough to untie me arms, they're startin' to hurt a tad."

"So you like me?" Greg replied ignoring Jacks request.

"Yes I like you Gregg." Jack replied earnestly as he could unsure where this was going.

"Do you love me?"

"I'll pretend I didn't hear that shall I Gregg?"

"Do you love me!"

"Uhh now Gregg, as I said we've only just met." Jack chuckled nervously.

"But do you think you could love me?"

"Well Gregg I'm afraid my only love is the sea."

"I'm a scaly man fish. I'm part of the sea. You will love me, just as I love you, I'm Ol' Gregg!"

"Well Gregg I'm flattered but as I said we have only just met, I don't really know yer." He was getting panicky now. This thing, whatever it was, was clearly insane. He started subtly trying to free his hands from their bindings.

"But you do know me. What about the boat times when we played catchy pulley? That was our first date. You tried to pull be into your boat with your strong arms. You wanted Ol' Gregg. Unless you were doing something else with that fishin' line?"

Jack thought carefully, clearly this thing was part fish and would not take kindly to the idea of someone catching fish to eat for their supper.

"Quite right." he said meekly.

"That was a fun game." Gregg laughed. "And then you seen my downstairs mix up, so you do know me."

"Oh that." said Jack grimacing

"That was Ol' Greggs mangina. That's why we're perfect for each other, I got a mix up, you got a mix up."

"My mix up?" said jack confused

"You're a ladyman."

"Am not!" Jack yelled back, anger now starting to show

"But Ya got the long hair, the pretty jewels, the make up. And your mighty pretty." Gregg smiled.

"I'm a bloody pirated!" Jack yelled

"Hush now fuzzy little man peach." Soothed Gregg "Maybe I should check your downstairs to make sure." He leaned over Jack and reached out for his belt.

Quick as a flash Jack swung off the bed so he was kneeling beside it, hands still tied to the bedpost. "They'll be no need for that." He said alarmed. One thing was for sure he wasn't going to let this crazy thing anywhere near his family jewels.

"No need to be shy." Smiled Gregg. "I'll get you a drink. Do you like baileys?"

"Don't suppose you have any rum?" said Jack hopefully having no idea what a baileys was.

"That's the devils drink. Gregg doesn't keep that wee wee liquid here. I'll get you a bailey's."

Jack was liking this creature less and less. But if Gregg was going off to get a drink it would give him a chance to redouble his escape efforts.

"Fine." He huffed.

"Il be right back." Said Gregg turning away. "Oh and no need for you to keep trying to get loose, Gregg tied those knots real tight, I was in boy scouts. I got the Home Safety Activity Badge! I'm Ol' Gregg!" He pointed proudly to a patch sewed onto his jacket. "Besides, you need to save your energy for later." He added the last bit with a chuckle looking bashful.

Jack felt like he had just had ice water thrown over him.

Gregg made his way over to a makeshift bar and brought out a bottle and a glass. He poured the drink.

"Now Gregg I can't very well drink with me arms all tied like this can I?" Jack said as nicely as he could.

Gregg stared silently at him for a few seconds, the effect was quite terrifying. He reached out a scaly webbed hand and stroked the side of Jacks face.

"No worries, Ol' Gregg will free your hands fancy man so you can dink your bailey's." He reached down and put his hand up under his tutu. Jack face turned to a mixture of confusion and disgust as he withdrew a knife from god knows where. "But if you try any funny business with Ol' Gregg he gonna have to make you bleed." He said subtly threateningly, his eyes boring into Jacks. "Understand? I'm Ol' Gregg!"

Now once his hands were free Jack was planning on using them to overpower his captor and make a speedy exit. But at Gregg's words and piercing glare he thought better of it. Gregg was thus far and unknown foe, he could only guess at what strengths and powers he possessed and after all he had shown great force with the fishing line.

"Of course," he smiled weakly.

And quick as a flash Gregg moved besides Jack's tied arms and loosened them. Jack had little chance to rub his sore wrists before having the glass thrust into his hands.

"You gonna drink ya bailey's? It's creamy," Gregg smiled eagerly.

Jack downed the brown liquid. It was far too sweet for his taste.

"Lovely," he lied.

"Il get you another"

"Look there really is no need…"

But another glass was thrust into his hand.

Jack took a sip. "Look this has been lovely, and I'm most grateful for ye 'ospitality 'an all but I really must get going. So.." He said standing up and putting down the glass, "Is this the way out?" He said pointing to an opening in the cave wall.

"Where you goin? You didn't finish you second bailey's."

"As I said Gregg I'm a Pirate and a captain of a ship and I really must be getting' back to 'er, so if ye'd kindly…"

"Oooh a Captain! Gregg never met a captain before! Exciting! Can I be your first mate? I'll come with you."

"Thanks for the offer but I actually already have a first mate."

"Your Lyin! You was up in that ship all on your own before we stared playin catchy pulley," Gregg said suddenly angry.

"That wasn't me ship!" Said Jack suddenly forgetting his current situation, outraged at the idea that that dingy could be considered his ship. "I'm Captain Jack Sparrow, of the Black Pearl." He said proudly now growing more confident with his hands freed. He was going tired of this creature's games now, surely he could pose no real threat. "Now show me the way out here before I…" He reached for his pistol, then moved to his sword realizing that his effects were missing. "Where's me effects?" He growled.

"I hid your stabby stick and shooty wand while you was sleepin." Gregg grinned menacingly, "Very dangerous, you could hurt someone with those!" he chuckled.

"That's the general idea." Jack muttered, panicked at now finding himself completely defenseless.

They stared at each other in silence as the seconds ticked past, Gregg grinning maddeningly as Jack seethed. A sudden 'BING' sound snapped Gregg's attention.

* * *

"Oh dinners ready!" he exclaimed. "Are you hungry?"

Before Jack could answer Gregg grabbed him by the arms and pulled him over to another part of the cave that seem to resemble a kitchen.

A small round table was set with a red checked tablecloth, a vase with some decaying flowers and two sets of plates and cutlery. Gregg pulled out a chair and motioned for Jack to sit. Unable to see a way out of his current situation Jack sat, besides he had eaten nothing but maggots that day and could do with some food to keep his strength up if he was going to get out of there.

Gregg hurried over to the stove put on some flowery oven gloves and pulled out a tray. Whatever it was it didn't smell half bad. Gregg made his way over to Jack and shoveled some food onto his plate.

"I did home economics in school, I got a C. I made a crumble! Teacher said mine was the best!" Gregg announced proudly as he served.

"Is that so." Jack replied. None of what this creature was saying made any sense. He couldn't really tell what the food was, meat of some kind but it looked edible enough. Gregg filled a glass with some amber liquid after dishing up his own plate and sat down handing it to Jack. "Drink it, its good."

Jack took as sip, he wasn't expecting much after the baileys but whatever is was in his glass now was far worse.

"Its rat's piss." Gregg announced.

Jack dribbled the liquid back into the glass and set it down. He was not sure he could eat the food anymore.

"Eat up before it gets cold." Gregg encouraged.

Not daring to ask what it was Jack dug his fork and tentatively took a bite. As it turned out it wasn't too bad.

"I call it Mungo stew." Gregg smiled.

Odd name Jack thought but didn't dwell on it, his mind was working furiously on an escape plan.

"How'd you like it?" Gregg asked.

'Nice' Jack replied flatly, he decided he wasn't going to try to be nice to this creature anymore perhaps he did not engage with him Gregg would grow bored of him and let him go.

Gregg seemed to sense this to and actively tried to rouse Jacks attentions.

"I do water colours!" He announced. Getting up to fetch some papers strew about the place. "I calls this one Ol' Gregg!" He announced proudly.

Holding up a crudely painted picture of himself.

"An this one, I calls this one Ol' Gregg!" Holding up another.

"An this one, do you know what I calls this one?" he asked holding another similar picture.

"Ol' Gregg?" Jack said boredly.

"That's right!" He giggled. "You guessed right, see you do know me!"

Jack rolled his eyes.

"I did some of you too." Gregg said grinning. "Look this is you sleepin." He said holding an equally crude painting of Jack. "And this is you sleepin but a little closer" he held another, a close up of Jack's face. "And this is us on our fist date when we had our first kiss when I brought you down to our home." He held up a painting of Gregg swimming holding a lifeless Jack while giving his the kiss of life. Jack suddenly felt very sick. His face dropping like a ton of rum barrels.

Gregg tossed the papers aside and moved around next to Jack.

"This is our second date." He giggled. "Do you love me yet?"

"Its not really a date though is it Gregg?" Jack said angrily. "Seein' as your keeping me trapped ere' against me will an all. And no, I don't love ye in fact ye make me sick to me stomach so why don't ye just lemmie go, savvy?" Jacks anger was bubbling over now.

"But I don't understand" Said Gregg sounding confused. "I made us a nice dinner, it was all goin so well, I showed you my water colours."

"I don't care about you're bloody water colours! I just want to get out of here!" Jack's annoyance showing in his voice now. Gregg hadn't shown any aggression yet, they were probably just empty threats he could have kicked himself for not just walking away and finding a way out sooner. He got up.

"Maybe with a bit more time you will love me. I can take you to a club where people wee on each other! We can drink bailey's from our boots!"

"Well that's not goin to 'appen, I'm coz I'm leavin." He turned to go.

"Where'd u think your goin motha Licker?" Gregg called to his back. His smile was gone now. "We're in an underwater cave fool, it's a long way to the surface. Aint no way out unless you gots gills" he sais pointing to his neck.

Jack's heart sank, he couldn't speak.

"You aint goin no where, Your goin to stay here with Ol'Gregg forever and love me. Your gonna love me just as as I love you! I'm Ol' Gregg!"

"Yes I know ye've tol' me 'undern times! What if I never love ye Gregg? Ever thought of that?" He couldn't tell if the creature was bluffing.

"Then I'll do to you what I did to Mungo Fuzzyballs!" Gregg threatened.

"Oh yeah and oo'z Mungo Fuzzyballs?"

"You ate him for dinner."

Jacks eyes widened and dropped his gaze to the food on the table. In the tray of the leftover food, unnoticed before by Jack was unmistakably a human hand. Jack became suddenly aware of something stuck in his teeth, he pulled it out to reveal a fingernail. His eyes widened in horror and he turned to face Gregg who was Smiling menacingly. Jack tossed the nail aside and smiled trying to look nonchalant.

"You know Gregg, I think I was a little hasty before when I said I'd never love you, perhaps given time I could grow to love you."

"That's not good enough." Said Gregg darkly his expression unchanging. "Gregg needs a promise, a sign to show you ain't lyin."

"What would that be?" asked Jack nervously with sinking feeling.

"You gonna marry Ol' Gregg!"

* * *

"Marry?" Jack gulped.

"Yes Sir."

Jack thought about this. Marry this creature or get fed to its next victim. "Couldn't have a legit marriage 'ere anyway." He thought. "Doubt 'es got a vicar stashed away. Wouldn't put it past im' though. Maybe He'll wanna go up to surface and do it in a church, and I'll be able to escape then. Either way it makes sense to play along for now." He thought.

"Yes!" Jack exclaimed finally, doing his best fake grin.

"Ooooh you just made Gregg the happiest one in the world!" Gregg cried jumping up and down clapping his hands.

"Im'a find me a dress!" he said running off, before tuning back.

"Now don't you go running off!" He said half joking half threatening, pinching Jack's cheek .

"I wont be gone long. I'll miss ya!" He licked the other cheek giggled and ran off.

Jack watched him go craning his neck till he was out of sight and then looked around wildly for something anything that he could use to escape with. He was stopped in his tracks by a sudden chuckle. He froze, fearing Greggs return, turning his face to direction of the sound. But it was not Gregg. It was the most wonderful sight in the world.

"William!" Jack Cried.

Will Turner leaned against the cave wall, arms crossed looking most amused. Jack ran over to him and wrapped his arms around him.

"I can honestly say, I'm happy to see ye!" Jack said still smiling.

Will looked awkward and a little disgusted at being embraced by this rather smelly pirate. He dislodged himself from Jack arms.

"Got in a bit of a pickle I see Jack?" He said raising an eyebrow

"You could say that." Jack replied coolly, trying to act like his sudden outburst of affection did not happen.

"But captain Jack's got it all under control. Nuffin' I can't andle'."

"Ok, I guess I'll leave you to it then." Said Will turning away.

"Wait!" Cried Jack grabbing his arm. "Maybe I could use a hand."

"Thought so." Will grinned. "But tell me Jack, how on earth did a pirate such as your self end up here?"

"Mutinied. Again" said Jack looking away, he not bearing to see the smirk on Will's face. "That bloody bastard Barbossa left me with nothing but a bloody fishing dingy. So I went after im' in it and decided to do a spt o'fishing. Along the way. And…"

"You went fishing tonight in these waters?" Will exclaimed.

"Ye, what of it?" said Jack bristling

"Jack everyone knows you shouldn't go fishing round these waters when the moon is full. It's when Old Gregg seeks this mate! I thought you'd know that, pirates being a suspicious bunch and all especially as Gibbs is your fist mate."

"Well Gibbs wasn't there!" Growled Jack. He didn't like Will showing more knowledge than himself. "How'd you know about this place anyway, how'd ye get ere'?"

"I was passing by as I've often found lost souls in these waters and saw an empty fishing dingy. I've retrieved the souls of Gregg's past victims before from here, so came down to investigate. And quite a sight met my eyes when I got here." He smirked. "Looks like I got here just in time."

"Yes." Said Jack stiffly. He didn't like feeling to reliant on Will but at least he had a way out now. "So are we going to get going then?"

"What's This!" There was a sudden yell from behind Jack. Jack turned to see Gregg standing there wearing a white wedding dress. He jumped and hid behind Will.

"Who's this? You two timing me boy!" Gregg cried, fire dancing behind his eyes.

Jack pushed Will forward. Will rolled his eyes. "I'm William Turner, Captain of the Flying Dutchman. I've come to take this lost soul back up to the surface."

"The Flying Dutchman?" Gregg asked his face falling.

"Yes." Replied Will "And you'd to well not to impede me in my task Gregg."

Jack poked his head up from behind Will's shoulder, to his surprise Gregg looked completely forlorn.

"Gregg can't fight the captain of the Dutchman!" He sobbed sadly. "But He was so close to finally being married!"

A sudden Idea occurred to Jack. "Hey William?" he whispered in Will's ear. "You wouldn't be able to do and old friend a favour and drop me off at me ship would you?"

"I thought I already was?" Said Will, his eyes still glued a Gregg sobbing, He found it hard to believe this creature had killed all those poor souls.

"No I mean my real ship, The Pearl."

"Jack, I'm not getting myself mixed up in the affairs of pirates."

"Come on Will, you owe me one."

"May I remind you I'm currently in the middle of saving your life."

"Yes but I gave up immortality for you!" Jack whispered angrily. "And gave you the chance to be with your bonnie bride!"

"Yes you did." Sighed Will his eyes suddenly going dreamy at the memory.

"So…"

"Fine! But then We're square Jack."

"One more thing thought…" Jack added

Will rolled his eyes

"We're bringing im' along too." Jack pointed to Gregg.

Will turned to Jack looking utterly confused.

"A gift for our dear friend Barbossa!" He grinned.

Will smiled a little. "Fine."

"Oh Gregg!" Called Jack walking out from behind Will. "I'm sorry things didn't work out between us. But I happen to know someone who's looking to marry a fine creature such as yourself!"

Gregg stopped sobbing turning his head, his face brightening.

"You lyin?"

"Oh no! Come along with us we'll take you to im'." Jack said encouragingly.

"OK!" Gregg beamed. "Thank you sirs! I'll get my coat!"

Jack grinned to himself imagining Gregg being released on Barbossa while he sailed away in his ship.

He must have been day dreaming for a while as Will shook him out of his reverie.

"Ready to go Jack?"

"Ready as I'll ever be mate!" He said cheerily, he could not wait to get out of this place.

"Oh Jack, seeing as we're bringing Gregg along now He'll be taking you up to the surface. I was going to go fetch a mermaid to take you but I suppose there's no point now!" He smiled cheerily.

Jack's smile disappeared as quickly as the Green flash on the horizon, as he turned to face Old Gregg who was licking his licked with anticipation.


End file.
